My College Journey – Part Two

Junior YearJunior year

Although I thought it would be cool to live with girls while in college…it was not. Don’t get me wrong, they were my friends and all, but it’s just not as fun living with girls in college because men are wired differently than women and that causes a lot of friction in the living situation.

So, we had an uncomfortable and awkward talk with our female roommates and if I remember correctly, I think they agreed to an extent that it wasn’t working out. However, they still felt a little hurt and upset about it and how everything went down. Nonetheless, we helped them search for another apartment and they ended up getting the apartment right next door.

As a result, this meant we had to get two new roommates, and we did…except they weren’t that “new” at all. Our 2 new roommates were part of that friend group I mentioned I had become a part of during high school-the one that my current roommate was part of.

One of these guys got 3 strikes at Radford, got kicked out of the university and somehow got accepted into JMU for junior year. From a school that was very competitive academically, this was mind boggling to me, but nonetheless here we are. The other roommate was actually pretty smart and got accepted into JMU after doing 2 years at NOVA.

In my past experience, I did not get along with the student who got kicked out of Radford, but the other one I got along with pretty well. Needless to say, this was not a great position for me to be in because they were just like my current roommate. They too smoked weed all the time, they too were atheists, they too were into the same music, they too were into tattoos.

I understand that birds of a feather flock together, but I had some glaring differences from them 1) I didn’t smoke weed all the time 2) I was not an atheist 3) I did not like screamo and some of the other music they were interested in 4) I had no tattoos and no interest of getting any either.

The tattoos and the music are very minor differences, but my point is that the other two guys that came in just followed my roommate around like a puppy dog. I mentioned he was one of the leaders of the group, and it seemed that nothing changed over the years, it was like I was back in high school…except in college.HOW AWFUL.

I watched them change over the years in high school and that’s how I can say that they didn’t truly think for themselves, they strictly thought about fitting in and being accepted. Now, I did the same thing to an extent so I have no room to talk, but at least I didn’t compromise my beliefs on life. That’s huge.

My roommates were smoking 4-5 times a day, and it still didn’t seem to be enough so they went on to the harder drugs like LSD, Mushrooms, Molly, Ecstasy, etc. I never tried anything beyond weed and I never will-I stood my firm ground on that.

My initial roommate had some pretty poor personality traits-he could be very evil and sarcastic. Furthermore, he talked serious crap behind people’s backs ALOT. As a result of being his friend, I inherited a lot of these traits unfortunately.

Some nights it would be just me and him hanging and he would bring something up and talk SERIOUS crap about each different roommate. I remember thinking to myself, “Geez! If he talks like that about the people he considers his best friends, that means he’s talking about me like this behind my back to others.”

trust over fearJunior Year – Continued

During 2nd semester, a couple of things happened to me that hit really hard all at once. I invited my brother over one weekend and we were all hanging out in the living room, drinking and getting ready to go out for the night. We were playing a card game and I knew all the guys had been talking behind my back for a while. (This part is ironic because at one point they were so sick of the other roommate that they wanted HIM out…including myself).

Anyways, we were all drunk and something stupid happened (go figure!) where I was arguing with my original roommate over the card game and who should pick up a card that fell on the floor. So I finally had the courage to use this moment to call him and the others out for talking behind my back and he finally had the courage to tell me.

Even though I had a feeling of what he was going to say…I still listened as the words pierced through my heart and my identity. “Nobody here likes you!”….brief pin drop in the room, before I could think of what to say to break the silence. He said some other insulting things a little later, but this one stuck the most to me.

The 2nd thing that happened to me hurt just as much as the first but in a different way…it pierced a different part of my heart and my identity. During that same time frame, probably within a week or two, my mom called up out the blue.

She immediately started off with that tone…guys you know what I’m talking about, that tone that mothers use only when you are in DEEP trouble, a special kind of DEEP trouble. She asked, “Is there something you want to tell me?!” I was so confused and honestly had no idea what she was referring to.

This was great because it made it easy for me to respond…”Nope, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” After a while of this back and forth and gradual intensity increase on the other end of the line, I hear…”I just received a bill from our internet provider showing that someone has been downloading pornography illegal. Does _________ sound familiar?” That “blank” was her reading out the title of the porn film I had illegally downloaded…

Believe it or not, I was so humiliated and ashamed and still tried to deny it, but you could hear in my voice that it was me. Before I could say anything else, she went on to say that she’s already talked to my brother and Chris (my step dad) about it and she knows it was neither of them, which leaves only one person…me.

This was a moment I will NEVER forget. To this day, it is THE MOST shameful, disgraceful, humiliating, embarrassing moment I have ever had in my life. That shameful phone call made me realize that I had a problem. WOW, I was addicted to porn big time.

Now what?what?

So now what? I just had two TERRIBLE things happen to me that made me feel worthless, pathetic, ashamed, disgraceful, disgusting, dirty, and alone. The pain from my past relationship and being cheated on immediately rushed into my thoughts right in the midst of my current circumstances.

That was it, I hit rock bottom (I hit my lowest point in my life). Now, as a quick aside everyone comes from different backgrounds and experiences different walks of life. I want to remind you who are reading this, my intent is not for a “pity-party” or anything like that. My intent is simply to share my story with you and make the distinction that “rock bottom” is a different level for every human being.

For me, this was rock bottom. I reflected and thought about my identity…”who am I??” It was so painful, scary and lonely. The thoughts running through my head were these:

1) My girlfriend cheated on me twice, I’m such a pathetic loser, wow how could she betray me like that I thought we were in love. 2) I have had these “close friends” for 4 years and it was all a sham, wow they don’t even like me. I’m not accepted here, I’m an outcast, I’m different from them, I’m weird, I’m annoying, I’m a loser, I don’t do things right, they probably don’t even like the way I breathe. 3) Wow, I’m such a creepy, disgusting, pervy loser. I watch porn all the time and I even downloaded videos like an idiot and my mom found out. Gosh! I’m so disgusting and strange and pathetic!

So as I’m in this dark pit in my mind and my life, I eventually turn desperately to my bottom night-stand drawer where I reach under all my college textbooks to grab my Teen Study Bible that my dad snuck into freshman move-in day and somehow made it all the way to an off-campus apartment in my junior year.

My dad gave me that Bible several years ago when I officially became a teenager. I will share the backstory on that in my next post (coming soon) of the my parents’ backgrounds and the roles they played in my life. Anyway, I picked that Bible up and started reading it…and then I magically became a Christian and instantly all my worries went away forever!….UH NO. That is not reality and it actually doesn’t work like that at all.

Nothing mysterious or magical happened, I just started reading it and had closed myself off form my roommates. It occupied my time and gave me something to do while being locked away in my room in the midst of an extremely awkward living situation. It kept my mind busy, but it also was helping me to begin this journey of depending on God and not myself to handle everything that comes with life.

I didn’t understand it then, but it’s been made clear to me now, which is why I am able to explain it to you now. My point is, I did not have some overnight transformation, but I kept pursuing this more and more out of interest and curiosity. A year and a half later, I knew in my heart this was the Way to life and I accepted Jesus into my life as my Lord and Savior.

As I continued to read and seek out God more and more, He really worked on me and slowly started opening my eyes to a lot of things. My worries didn’t and haven’t vanished but going through trials of life are WAY easier to handle than when I tried to face all my challenges alone.

I have been a Christ Follower for a year and 3 months although it has been 2 and a half years since I started reading the Bible. I just want to say something, the last year and 3 months have been the BEST times of my entire life!!!! I am filled with so much Joy and although the trials still come (in different forms from before), there is Peace in all of that because I have a personal relationship with Jesus 🙂

You just read that last paragraph and are likely feeling one of two ways: 1) Pumped up, excited, and feeling like you have some level of understanding or 2) totally confused, and unsure of who I am now because you don’t really feel like you understand all of that.

If you are feeling that way…great! Because THAT IS WHY I created this site…To let you into my life so you see me for who I really am, and to help you understand what this whole Bible and Jesus thing is about. Furthermore, I am here to talk about how it relates it to YOUR life as a young adult either in high school, college, or in the working world.

If you are one of the people who could relate your feelings more to option 1, then that is great too! You’re still in the right place! I don’t care where you’re at in your views on all of this. If you are a Christian, non-Christian, atheist, agnostic, or any other belief/religion/viewpoint, then I encourage you to hang around!

Even if it’s for sheer entertainment and amusement to point out to your friends, “look at this crazy guy!” I’m fine with that! But I promise you this-if you stick around long enough and stay curious long enough, you will start to see and understand what life is all about and what fulfillment in life looks like.

If you don’t have complete fulfillment in life right now, then stick around and check out my other posts, podcasts, and material because I guarantee you it can’t make things any worse for you. Ask yourself this, what have you got to lose?

Thanks guys for reading and hanging out here, I really do appreciate it and hope you were able to connect and relate in some way to my story.Joy

If you are curious about what’s next, then stick around for my next post as I share with you my senior year of college and where I’m at in life right now. My life has been transformed and is absolutely amazing! I can’t wait to share all of it with you!

Please feel free to drop a comment below or shoot me an email (coming soon) if you’d rather not share in the comment section. Remember, this site is a community built for people to share, feel safe, and have others encourage and build each other up.

Thanks! 🙂

PS- Don’t forget to get engaged in the community by leaving a comment below or dropping me an email at: matt@fulfillmentinlife.com

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4 thoughts on “My College Journey – Part Two

  1. Johan

    Hi Matthew, very interesting article. Like how you target the readers attention.

    I will be watching and reading more of your posts.

    Have a blessed day my friend.

    Bye…
    J

    Reply
    1. admin

      Thanks Johan, I appreciate it!

      I hope you have a blessed day as well, take care.

      Reply
    2. Gaurav

      Yes, it is a huge adjustment to get used to livnig with another person in college. My roommate and I are very different: she stays up really late every night and I like to wake up early in the morning. But we have learned to respect each other and we usually go to the bathroom to get ready so we don’t wake up the other person when they are sleeping. It has been an adjustment and slowly but surely we’re learning to live together and keep the peace.

      Reply
      1. Matt Post author

        Hey Gaurav,

        That’s good that you guys are striving to be respectful toward each other, very important. Without that, there’s not a lot that can go right in a roommate living situation.

        Thanks for sharing on here!

        Reply

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